Hangman by Vvinni J. Gagnepain

SCENE 1

Stools are everywhere. A coffee table, too.
Traffic cones and a single wall stage right. An
armchair is center stage.

There are two people on stage. One person is on a
stool with a noose dangling from offstage up (a
line set). The other person is in the armchair
reading a newspaper. We'll call these two people
NOOSE and SQUIRREL.

NOOSE
Well shit, I don't think that's lode-bearing.

SQUIRREL
The lamp?

NOOSE
No, the roof.

SQUIRREL
Roof has to be lode-bearing. It's holding up sky.

NOOSE
Yeah, but the sky doesn't weigh that much.

SQUIRREL
There's a lot of it, though.

NOOSE
Still doesn't weigh that much, there are airplanes
after all.

SQUIRREL
And the sky has to hold up the airplanes.

NOOSE
So?

SQUIRREL
So the sky has to weigh enough to support an airplane.

NOOSE
Do you think the sky is lode-bearing?

SQUIRREL
Well if it weighs that much it has to be.

NOOSE
Then I'll just use the sky!

SQUIRREL
No, you can't. No hooks.

NOOSE
No hooks?

SQUIRREL
(shaking his head)
No hooks.

NOOSE
Why hasn't anyone put a hook in the sky?

SQUIRREL
It's too high up.

NOOSE
What about the low sky?

SQUIRREL
Well that's the foundation, can't drill a hole in the foundation.
Makes it weaker.

NOOSE
One little hole won't ruin the foundation.

SQUIRREL
Oh, but the sky's filled with holes already.

NOOSE
The sky is filled with holes?

SQUIRREL
Yeah. There have to be holes. All the airplanes.

NOOSE
Oh, the airplanes.

SQUIRREL
Took a lot of Chinamen to make all those tunnels
through the sky.

NOOSE
God bless their souls.

SQUIRREL
Yep. Sky's not very malleable, not easy to drill
through.

NOOSE
Then I guess I can't use the sky.

SQUIRREL
No. Besides, air traffic controllers can't detect
hooks. They'd clog the engines.

NOOSE
Well shit.

SQUIRREL
That's what they'd say.

Pause. Noose looks up at the noose, Squirrel reads
his newspaper.

NOOSE
Well if the roof has to hold up the sky then
it has to be lode-bearing.

SQUIRREL
That's what I said.

NOOSE
Then I can just use the roof!

SQUIRREL
Be my guest, no one else is.

NOOSE
Fantastic!

Noose begins to put the noose around his neck.
Squirrel reads his newspaper. A knock sounds at
the door.

NOOSE
Door.

SQUIRREL
No, you're using the roof.

NOOSE
Yeah, but there's a person at the door.

SQUIRREL
Then he should come in.

NOOSE
He should.

Another knock.

SQUIRREL
Oh, the door.

Squirrel rises and exits. He reenters with ROOFER.

SQUIRREL
The Roofer's here.

NOOSE
Now?

ROOFER
Sorry, routine check. You know how roofs are.

NOOSE
Yeah. Well go ahead. Don't mind me.

ROOFER
Won't do. Say, does that noose have supports?

SQUIRREL
No.

NOOSE
Does it need supports?

ROOFER
Oh yes, otherwise it'll just fall off. That
roof isn’t strong enough.

SQUIRREL
But it has to hold up the sky.

ROOFER
Yeah, but the sky's also hanging from space.

NOOSE
(to Squirrel)
You forgot about space.

SQUIRREL
But does space really help with the sky at all?

ROOFER
Oh yeah. Great building material, that space. Cold
though.

SQUIRREL
What's keeping space up?

ROOFER
More space. Yeah, that space is pretty sticky stuff. It
just kinda sticks to itself. Durable once it freezes,
but melt it down and it's like putty, really warm
putty.

NOOSE
I never would have guessed.

ROOFER
Most folks don't, that's why I'm a roofer.

NOOSE
Then could I hang the noose from space?

ROOFER
(whistles)
Gonna need the Irish to do a job like that.

NOOSE
But money's too tight for the Irish.

SQUIRREL
Could we use the Welsh?

ROOFER
Suppose you could, but wouldn't do a very good job.
Hook would probably fall out.

SQUIRREL
Ah, then it'd clog an airplane engine.

ROOFER
Yep.

NOOSE
Shit, I don't want to clog an airplane engine.

SQUIRREL
What should he do then?

ROOFER
Well, I'd say put up a few supports and you'll be fine.
Make sure it's a good material though.

SQUIRREL
You thinkin' steel?

ROOFER
Steel'd be fine, but make sure you get a good dealer.

NOOSE
But all the good dealers are closed this time of year,
it's too dark.

ROOFER
Oh yeah, gonna have to go thirty miles north to get
enough light for steel.

SQUIRREL
Well shit.

NOOSE
Well shit.

ROOFER
Yep, shit.

NOOSE
Well what do I do?

ROOFER
What kind of floors do you have?

SQUIRREL
Wood.

ROOFER
Could always drill a hook into the floor.

NOOSE
Is the floor lode-bearing?

ROOFER
Oh my yes, has to keep the ground from coming in.
Nasty stuff, that ground. Well, roof looks good. I'd
stick around, but there are a lot of roofs.

SQUIRREL
Thank you for your help.

ROOFER
Oh, not a problem. Best of luck to you both.

Roofer exits. Noose pulls down the noose. Squirrel
sits down and goes back to his newspaper. Once the
noose is down, Noose goes offstage and gets a
hook. He then shoves the hook into the floor and
ties the noose around it.

SQUIRREL
Make sure it's a good knot.

Noose nods and reties the knot. He looks up to
Squirrel for approval and Squirrel gives it to
him. Noose then tugs on the rope to make sure it's
tied correctly, and puts the noose around his
neck.

NOOSE
Well, here I go.

SQUIRREL
Have fun.

NOOSE
Will do.

Noose jumps, so as to hang himself. It works. He
struggles on the ground, twisting and turning and
trying to get air. His convolutions become less
and less forceful, and then stop. Pause. Squirrel
reads the newspaper. He turns the page.

SQUIRREL
Hm. There's a sale on bullets.

He pulls out his wallet, and looks at his money.

SQUIRREL
Yeah, it'll be worth it.

He rises and exits. End.